A Journey of Transcending Subconscious Programs. Healing the Child Within, Overcoming Substance Abuse, Feeling the Ultimate Human Experience, and Running 200 Miles
Healing is refusing to tolerate the discomfort of change because you refuse to tolerate mediocrity for one second longer. The truth is that there is no way to escape discomfort; it finds us wherever we are.
Brianna Wiest, ‘The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery’
My Greatest Year (So Far)
This year has been, hands down, the single biggest year in terms of pursuing happiness and healing. I am 38 years-old and the year of 2023 has been the hardest, most rewarding year of my life. It’s been full of more love, challenges, choices, and growth then I have ever experienced. I sought to transcend childhood trauma, harmful choices, and step into my true authentic self.
I placed myself square in front of challenges by choices as I pursued changes in my relationships, career, facing down addiction and embracing sobriety, moving to my own apartment for the first time, analyzing an unhealthy relationship with social media, and training for and completing a 200-Mile Ultramarathon.
It’s what I now call, ‘The Wayward Way.’
Boldly On the Wayward Way
The Wayward Way has become a personification of not only reaching my fullest potential, but in the pursuit of it. This year represented the conclusion of an 8- year plan and how my word of the year (Transcend) had played a huge role.
During the ups and downs, my philosophy that I adopted this year and brought to light allowed me to overcome decades of self-defeating thought processes, limiting beliefs, and to find power in my tendency to be apart from the crowd. I have grown up and noticed on several occasions that I veered left when the crowd, or even culture, had all seemed to veer right.
I always felt different or separated until I adopted my personal philosophy of blazing my own trail.
It wasn’t always easy. In fact, I wouldn’t say any part is easy at all (I wouldn’t have it any other way), but in the end I will be satisfied knowing that I made it to the “top” in my own time and my own way.
This is a year in review like no other.
An 8-Year Plan
8 years ago, in 2015, the Navy had released me quite unfairly and abruptly (that’s a story for another time!). Although it ended up being a blessing, the financial implications were severe and immediate.
From that point, I gave myself 8 years – the same amount of time I was in the Navy for – to have the bankruptcy/foreclosure off my credit report, a new career making the same amount of money I did in the Forces, and an unshakeable foundation.
That year would be 2023.
2023 and a Man on a Mission
This year has been all about that mission. To pay respect to the past versions of my self that brought me to this point in time, very much a crossroads in terms of my life and how I envision the next chapters being written and told. It was time to step into my power and potential.
In years gone by I’d been very negatively motivated, having an “I’ll show them” attitude and being quite spiteful (#fuckthenavy anyone? lol), but this year I started to challenge that mental framework and it started with a word of the year.
It became a choice of love over fear and an intentional effort to make the subconscious emerge into the conscious realm.
I needed to face my SELF.
Word of the Year
For the first time in my life I had chosen a word to define a theme for what I expected to be one of the biggest years of my life. The concept was introduced to me by my girlfriend that came into my life like a breath of fresh air late in 2022.
This word was carefully thought out, as I usually do with words in general, and I chose one that signified overcoming the challenges of the past and present moments. It symbolises rising above my own perceptions of ability and possibility – facing down the perceived weaknesses in my life and character and turning them into strengths.
Transcending my Former Self
The word I chose was TRANSCEND. I posted it everywhere. My daughter colour some versions of it to make it even more special. Copies were placed in my bedroom, office, and everywhere I would spend a decent amount of time.
Transcend: be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division).
What you’ll read below is how that word came to embody this year and what it meant for me and my family.
Spoiler alert: it was very effective!
Transcending Self & Embracing Change
My goal was to embrace change. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Do not settle. If I really wanted the life I envisioned for myself I would need to dig deep, make good choices for the long-term, lean into discomfort, and keep moving forward.
I knew I had led a life of seclusion and isolation and just never really wanted to do the work to overcome or come to terms with that.
It took a real introspective and honest look into my life (running 100-Miles for the first time in August 2022 did it for me – read about that here) to see the plethora of ways I’d been selling myself short.
I had always felt that I was leaving so much potential on the table, but given my past of emotional trauma and circumstances of my childhood, I just didn’t know how to process it all, and so I smoked many years into obscurity.
I vowed to change that. To live my best years. To do the hard things.
Relationships
In the last half of 2022, I separated from the mother of my child. It was a decision long overdue, but it meant that in 2023 especially, I needed to really focus on and prioritise forging a new and healthy bond with my daughter.
My main goal was to provide my daughter with a strong active male role model. Something I feel I never really had, so I was committing to learning on the fly and making sure she knew that she was still Daddy’s girl and be active in her life as she continued to grow and mature.
Then, as if I had passed a test of the universe, I was blessed with meeting the woman of my dreams just before the holidays. I could write a whole article on what she has done for me or what it meant to get to know her, but she was and has remained a lighthouse in the dark and allowed me to express all that I am. I felt loved, seen, heard, and understood for the first time in my life.
It felt like I was finally manifesting the life that I envisioned. The universe was beginning to conspire with me and so I leaned into the desire to challenge my life. I was aligning my true self with love rather than falling back on the habit of underlying fear. As of writing this, it is currently a day past our 1-year anniversary and I am truly blessed to be loved by such a woman!
My next target was my career.
Professional Environment/Career
Shortly into 2023, my employer of 3 years at the time was just not willing to pay me any more money. They wouldn’t even pay me more than inflation during my performance review and so I made the decision to change jobs… twice.
People tend to get too comfortable in their jobs and big companies will rely on this. I felt they essentially called my bluff, that people wouldn’t leave because they felt comfortable, and therefore wouldn’t pay their people enough to retain them. I chose to pursue other avenues of work.
My confidence in interviews was astounding and my resume looked polished and valuable. My highly technical background and personality meant that I was highly employable, so finding jobs was never a concern. Being “stuck” was something the Navy taught me, and I vowed to never feel that way again which makes it easier to do what is best for me.
I had bounced between another great opportunity that just wasn’t for me to my current employer with a fantastic company that makes me feel valued and without the big corporate feel to it. I almost doubled my income from earlier in 2023 simply by making the move.
There is no reason to feel stuck or trapped. Take the leap and embrace change – have faith in your wings, not in the branch that you perch upon. Fly!
My financial goal was complete. I was making as much as I did when I was in the Navy.
Substance Abuse & Inner-Child – Transcending Harmful Choices
The decision to embrace sobriety early in 2023 was made in the pursuit of clarity and craving a realisation of the unlimited potential I felt. There were some revelations made early on. The turning point was basically an emotional breakdown where my actions (or better yet, reactions) felt uncontrolled, highly intense, and illogical.
Over the course of about 20 years I had always tried to stop smoking cannabis with varying forms of success. At one point I had quit for just over a year, but once life hit me in the mouth I veered towards numbing it all out again. It became an irritating cycle of escape.
I didn’t want to wake up one day and be too old to do anything about the things I wish I would have changed.
I had smoked as a way of suppressing the uncomfortable emotions and feelings that resulted from my childhood. There was emotional trauma and abuse from a young age and I just wasn’t able, or unwilling, to process it all. I accepted it as part of who I am and continued to veil the world in smoke.
Facing myself and my darkness was something I grew to feel guilty of not doing. Enacting an honest and heartfelt plan into my wellness and recovery has been the hardest and most rewarding part of 2023.
The time had come to feel it in order to heal it.
Living Arrangement
Having upgraded my financial situation enough, I could afford an apartment of my own. Due to financial constraints I had been sharing a place with my ex. The landlords happened to be selling the place at the same time so it seemed everything was aligning in its own way.
Interestingly enough, I had never really lived by myself aside from Basic Training back in 2007. I felt like I had somehow lived such a muted life up to this point, not experiencing much of anything. Lost in the haze of smoke that surrounded me.
This was probably a consequence of cannabis abuse and numbing everything out more than a personality defect. Regardless, it was important for me to embrace these realisations and be at ease with them.
The past, afterall, is over. All we really have is the current moments and what we choose to do with them. Once again I leaned into the challenge of change and enlisted the help of friends to help me move.
My new apartment is full of smokers, so the challenges were unique. I found the quiet to be unbearable at first, smelling smoke and cannabis almost constantly.
Embracing the void moments, where nothing is happening and I’m supposed to ‘relax’ has been challenging. Finding healthy habits and hobbies gave me ways of slowing down and finding peace.
It was another test of the universe; another challenge I would rise to meet head on, just like my running.
Training for 200 Miles & Staying Soft
Originally I had intended on continuing my Ultramarathon journey with another 100-Mile event. After Capes 100 in August of 2022, I was hungry to improve upon my 5-minutes-before-cutoff performance and return to the realm of extreme distances.
My original event was to be the Sinister 7 in Alberta, taking place in July – however, as fate would allow, I ended up getting in as 1 of 100 runners into the inaugural event of the Divide 200 in the same area, taking place in September.
Training took on a whole new flavour. Mind, body, and spirit were my main focuses. I had to balance a full-time job, shared custody of my daughter, and responsibilities that just don’t disappear.
I trained hard. The mental aspect was the hardest (and most rewarding), as my body held up very well. The balancing of priorities, planning, compromising, and all the skills required were new to me and it became a journey of emerging as a person as much as an Ultrarunner.
I will never shy away from any challenge. Running has come to represent the tip of the iceberg for me and my journey. It is within this endurance arena that I can face my fears and darkness 1 on 1 and really do a deep dive into my soul.
You can read all about my Divide 200 experience over on my reflection page.
Social Media and Emotional Needs
In 2022 it was my mission to show my face and affirm my existence to the Universe. This resulted in many selfies, lots of writing, and a generally visible presence on Instagram among other platforms. It was my way of facing discomfort of being self-conscious and showing my face to the public.
I found that with the clarity of sobriety, new revelations came about what my use of social media had morphed into. It in itself became a way of escaping, coping, and pursuing a ‘fantasy’ world in which nothing was real except the consequences.
My ego had attached social media use to fulfilling deep emotional needs that just weren’t being met by my previous relationship that ended in later stages of 2022. Social Media had become a way to seek validation and approval from people I barely knew, or maintain communication with people I may or may not have seen in person.
I deduced this desire for external validation as being due to the emotional trauma as a child and need for validation or approval. InstaGram became an unhealthy addiction that I am still wary of.
Ultimately, it was all a way of derealization and presenting a false self. I was very much in active addiction and as the veil cleared I saw how deeply the rabbit hole went. I’m not trying to say social media is evil, but when you’re in the realm of active addiction and recovery, the use of such psychologically stimulating devices needs to be cautioned.
It was like escaping a dark cave and seeing the sun for the first time. I wrestled with it, got used to the glaring rays of clarity, and adjusted as best I could.
The Wayward Way
To go boldly on your own path, regardless of popular opinion or even your first inclination or reaction. Transcend your expectations and your habits. To do the hard things regardless of the level of comfort or security, but the faith in your long-term plan and living in that image.
Investing here and now into a better tomorrow, while still making room to enjoy the present moments. To be unapologetically unique and daring in your pursuits with a humble heart and calm mind. Being willing to look inward rather than play the blame game or a victim of circumstance.
That has become the Wayward Way.
You are the way. When the path cannot be seen, it’s because you are on the path less travelled. It may be dark but your internal light will show you the way. It isn’t an easy or comfortable path but it is the righteous and responsible one that will lead to the betterment of the world and for those around you.
Boldly go on your own Wayward Way, and see where the hard things will lead you.
How to Implement the Wayward Way
Below are some action points to help you implement the Wayward Way philosophy into your life;
- Seek your answers within; let no fault be externalized. Your problems with the world, or people, are a reflection of internal biases and conditioning.
- Analyse your habits and self-talk without judgement. Adjust your perspective to align with love rather than fear.
- Face your fears and your darkness. Demons are just angels that have been ignored. You will need to feel the hidden in order to heal the visible.
- Make a plan. Be realistic, be ambitious, and let every choice or decision you make be in alignment with your true soul’s desires.
- Reveal your true identity. Do not invest in the opinions of others. The world needs you and your unique spirit. Express it without prejudice.
- Be kind and humble… but also be a badass. You will start to inspire people around you with your new path. Do not take the positive, nor the negative, too personally.
Concluding the Year of Transcendence
My methods were unorthodox. More than once I was told and perhaps I felt that I was taking on too much. My ego resisted, but my soul persisted. It was self-disintegration in that I was breaking my SELF down to bring forth my true, authentic identity.
I was building, no, revealing the unshakable core that is my spirit. Until now only glimpses were revealed to me. Slowly they have become more and more like visions, revelations and reality.
There is no escaping discomfort. It comes for us all whether we want it to or not. It can either fuel us or depress us. That is ultimately a choice we all make… maybe not a singular decision, but in our actions and habits. In our daily choices and affirmations, morals, and beliefs.
Do not be idle. Leap from your comfort zones and feel all that was hidden from view.
Transcend your self identity and boldly go upon your own Wayward Way.
Peace love, and clairty.
– Nicholas mf’n Richards