Warrior in the garden. No need to attack. Just tend to the roots. The wars will come. True discipline is knowing you can act fast; but choosing to be at ease.
― Me mashing quotes together during long runs so I can sound cool on Strava posts 😉
This isn’t a recap of speed records or a story of a pedigreed runner winning races. My intention at the start of 2022 was to express myself, affirm my existence, and be of value to the world. So, this isn’t even really a story of running at all really, although Ultrarunning has become probably the most visible part of this manifestation of my intentions. This is a story of the underlying factors that support those efforts.
This is a story of overcoming low self-esteem, doubt, depression and a laundry list of afflictions I no longer wanted to give power to and turning it into passion for challenges. I chose to put my true self through a crucible and find progress through persistence. I only hope to do the experiences justice by putting them into words. If you know me at all, you will know that I like to say that I am just getting started.
Believe in Yourself like a Lighthouse in the Storm
Prior to 2022, I had only run 2 Marathons – both in 2021 as training to run Ultramarathons. The feelings I had in showing up to events was just pure faith and belief in myself. 2022 was my first year as an Ultrarunner and below is the list of the 7 efforts that ended up being 50+ km to illustrate the progression for the year with links to Strava activity for posterity.
1) April 16, 2022 – Toboggan Run hosted by NSTR
60 km, 8 hours, 1500m elevation. Emotional day, found out a friend had passed a few days prior due to cardiovascular illness. If you can’t cry and keep going, don’t bother starting. Click here for Strava link.
2) May 21, 2022 – Day In Wentworth hosted by Wentworth Valley Trail Runners & Bluenose Marathon the Following Day
Saturday – 62 km, 7.5hrs, 300m Day in Wentworth (click here for Strava link). Sunday – 42 km, 4h20m, 450m Bluenose Marathon *PR! (click here for Strava link). I used this back-to-back opportunity to train good volume and invest energy into fundraising for Heart and Stroke Foundation. I wrote an article summarizing the effort and successful fundraising campaign! If you haven’t read that one yet, find it by clicking here!
#3) June 11, 2022 – Chignecto Loop with some HFX Hares
48.6 km, 8h09m, 1800m elevation. First continuous Ultra effort (no loops or aid stations) and first look at Chignecto Provincial Park. Noticed the value of running with strong peers and the connections formed in long distances. (click here for Strava link).
#4) June 25, 2022 – Keji Backyard Ultra hosted by NSTR
63 km, 9h, 500m elevation. Backyard style Ultra event (1 loop every hour) that saw the hottest temperatures I’ve ever seen in Nova Scotia. I believe we were pushing 35 Degrees Celsius, so this was a humbling experience that introduced me to many different obstacles. (Click here for Strava link)
#5) July 22, 2022 – Over-Night run with some HFX Hares
56 km, 10hrs, 1,365m elevation. 9pm start-time with a few friends, ran through the night on a familiar loop and met up with more friends at sunrise for some bonus runs. This one hurt quite a bit but it was absolutely key to my Capes 100 experience coming up! (Click here for Strava link)
#6) August 13, 2022 – Capes 100 hosted by NSTR – The Dragon
160.8 km, 25hr55min, 5,190m elevation. This was my Goliath and I felt like David when I conquered the odds. You can read all about my 100-Mile finish in this article I wrote (click here for Capes article) but suffice it to say the experience delivered everything as advertised and more!! I’m so proud of myself and grateful for the people that shared in the finish – 5 minutes before the final cut-off! (Click here for Strava link)
#7) December 31, 2022 – Trail Run with HFX Hares
52 km, 7hr20min. 1,180m elevation. End of year celebration, 50km for giggles and then an extra Mile to include a sketchy river crossing! It was a celebration with friends for the first half and as the group dwindled we just got to work and grinded it out in true Ultra fashion. The perfect send-off of 2022 and welcoming of 2023. (Click here for Strava link)
Ultrarunning is Just the Tip of the Iceberg
My personal growth has not been limited to Ultrarunning. In fact, I would say Ultrarunning is only the tip of the iceberg. I feel like my mind has been “Ultra” for a very long time as I wrestled with my mental well-being. There was a real fear that arose of selling myself short despite all the aspirations I held for myself that spurred me into continuous action. Tomorrow just is not promised.
I did not want to face my inevitable end knowing that I could have tried more but I was just too scared or unsure of myself to be bothered. That is the ultimate motivation behind my 2022 goals to express, affirm, and be of value. A declaration to the immortal Universe that this mere mortal is here and this is where I belong.
Something about it all just feels right and healthy – so onward I go.
Expressing Myself
Manifesting as awkward selfies at first, the more I expressed, the more began to realize that nobody really cares about me being on the internet despite my fears and reservations. There was more positive feedback than negative, but even still I am constantly evaluating/assessing potential posts and pictures to ensure they align with the legacy I wish to leave.
I’m building a fortress, after all – brick by brick. What I mean by that is being very intentional in delivery (shout out Eric Thomas) whether it be a physical or mental effort, a social or professional setting, a new task or mundane one – they are all deserving of the same attention and focus. Some would call it discipline but I just call it honest effort in everything endeavored.
Brick by brick my fortress will be built.
Affirming My Existence
What started as a journey of self-actualization has become one of community and a collective effort to push against physical, mental and spiritual boundaries. I feel very fortunate to have the ability to do these sorts of efforts physically, but I’m even more grateful to have processed life lessons that once crippled me into fuel for the dragon fire in my soul.
I have received all sorts of messages, emails, kind words, and support over the course of this year from so many people that only affirms the path I am on even further. It’s one thing to have the confidence and trust in self to write and publish something, but to have such positive (and emotional!) feedback is something I didn’t even really anticipate in the beginning.
With humble acknowledgement that I may be able to bring thoughts into words in a unique way, I can only envision even greater things to come. It has been a privilege to learn that simply expressing my thoughts and speaking my truth so openly has, ironically, connected me most with others.
The original fears of rejection and doubt seem comical now, but they were there at the start. They’re still there maybe, but I accept them now. I don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, anyway, but resisting such things is asking for inner conflict. Being on the path that I’m on there’s not much room for that sort of baggage…
Be of Valuable Character
Above all else about 2022 though, I value most the friendships and connections I have formed as a result of emerging from my own darkness. There has been no shortage of personal obstacles in every form, but the mental blocks are the ones that have the most value and, believe it or not, are highly relatable to many people on a variety of levels.
My main intention to be of valuable character is integrity. The world has enough schemes and lies that I wanted to speak truth and be someone of value enough to be believed. I didn’t want to just speak my goals into the Universe, I wanted to talk so much trash about it that there wasn’t any more room for doubt. I trained so hard that I would not be denied. I wanted my true strengths to be presence and persistence. I wanted to do what I said I was going to do.
It is so easy to think that running in general is a solo sport with solo achievements, but it really becomes more of a team effort in the long run (pun intended!) and something a whole community can draw from. There’s a sense of belonging in those long hours in the middle of the woods, alone, but never lonely. A solo adventure perhaps, with communal experience.
I Never Wanted to be the BEST so I Became a BEAST
When you’re the best, you stand alone at the top. Beasts travel in packs. Packs are infinitely stronger than a lone wolf. To be in the pack, you simply do as the beasts do. Take the mask off and show your true colours. If you keep growing you’ll have more to give. If you fake it you will be exposed and devoured.
The areas I grew up feeling alone in have turned into the greatest relatable quality to many people that I now call good friends. If anything else I have learned to speak the truth, endure patiently, and that persistence is always progress. Just keep going. It does not have to be pretty if it just needs to be done.
To be clear, Ultrarunning is not a matter of physical ability at all, it’s more a matter of separating your self from your thoughts and seeing the lies for what they are. To logically assess emotion before choosing a reaction. Once I did that I was able to connect with people in a meaningful way. I by no means claim to have everything figured out but 2022 was one Hell of a starting point, that’s for sure!
What’s Next for 2023
Looking forward to 2023, above all else, I am looking forward to supporting people in their goals. I don’t necessarily recommend running 100 Miles, but if you can learn to push those perceived boundaries, doubt the doubt and feel the fear, but still get it done? You can relate to me on a fundamental level that only an experience shared, or shared experience can bring. You don’t need to be a runner to relate to me, just a taste of darkness.
That’s the beauty of this whole thing. You don’t even need to run with me to have the value of a shared experience, you just need to read my writing to be connected. I like to believe I pour enough of my energy into materializing thoughts and feelings into words as the Sun does into its heat or planets into their movement. Unseen yet so undeniably persistent that you barely even give it notice.
Thank you for sharing this experience with me. For all the support of adventures, endeavors, and ideas I am very thankful to be connected with so many great people doing legendary things. It has only been a short amount of time but I feel like I have gained many lifelong friends and I’m excited for shared adventures of 2023 and beyond.
Perpetual. Persistent. Progression. Stay weird and keep going!!
If you made it this far and interested in more, check out my friend (and 100-Mile finisher himself) Wesley’s podcast he invited me on to discuss 100-Miles and what it takes to finish. It was fun to feel awkward on camera and get chatty with such a cool dude! Please also leave some feedback in the form at the bottom!