A look into how a fear of change morphed into a fear of regret
He knows me more than I know myself. He always has.
The man in the mirror… his all-knowing and unblinking gaze… his omnipresent mind immune to negotiations or rationalizations. He knew the truth I just wasn’t willing to face nor admit.
The stone cold truth of higher expectations and wasted potential.
Until I was about 30 I never really liked what I saw or thought of myself. It manifested itself most when I saw myself in pictures or reflections. I felt sorry for who I was to the point that seeing me reminded me of the stuff I was hiding from. My self-esteem was based on trying to be like other people and fitting in only to just feel foreign and alienated in the end which drove me deeper underground.
Sounds dark, right?
It was. Terribly so.
My mirrored reflection has seen enough tears over the years to sail a sizeable boat on. I resisted existence and it fucked me up pretty bad. It wasn’t until I was forced to deal with rock bottom that I finally felt free. My 8 year career in the Navy ended abruptly due to my own admission of needing mental health help (more to come on this, trust me) – I was released even after several solid representations. No benefits or anything… just gone.
The words “failure” and “disappointment” rang loudly at first. My shit was in the open and I had tried to hide and blend in for so long it was traumatic to be prosecuted so diligently for such honesty.
This of course meant my family’s income dropped to basically nothing. Bankruptcy, fore-closure, and not to mention a new-born daughter… questions of what to do next, what’s the best move, how to dig my young family out of this mess or end up as a failure… I remember the feeling of despair and the foreboding presence of the future. Then one night… I lost it….
During a particularly wet winter evening I was diverting water from our home’s leaky basement, quite aggitated and stressed. My rain jacket had managed to funnel water into the pocket where my phone was and, well, it all seemed very shitty until something very memorable happened – I started to laugh. Seriously, what the fuck do I care that the basement is leaking, when we have to leave anyway?! I can’t change the rain nor the wind but I can change my reaction to what I perceived to be a very real existential test.
This is it. My last warning, I thought. No more hiding. I’m being tested.
I remember that moment distinctly because my reflection became one of determination versus defeat. A massive chip formed on my shoulder for all my Navy “peers” that persecuted me over my honesty while living their own lies. It may have been a burden at first but was is undeniably a blessing to me is that they woke up the dragon within. By casting me aside as a criminal they proved their lack of value to me – that I was deserving of more.
My daughter’s eyes carried me through the doubt and hard times. The image that she seen of her ‘Daddy’ mattered immensely to me – as it should for every father, I suppose. I ultimately wanted to build her a legacy to follow. I wanted her to know that her Daddy wasn’t defined by any one or any moment, he just outgrew his constraints and the Universe righted the course rather abruptly. Then he just boldly dove into the unknown and kicked ass the whole damn way. I never really had an example to live up to so I felt raw, bare, free, and unique. I felt powerful.
I ended up going back to school for a 2-year Diploma in Construction Management and I’ve been gainfully employed in the profession since graduating in 2017. For almost 3 years at the time of writing I now graciously hold a position with one of the top General Contractors in Canada, Pomerleau Inc.
The reflection I remember from 7 years ago is not the same one I see now. It changes every day as I no longer limit my reflection to the mirror – the World is now my mirror. The image I see is in the relationships I form and maintain; the feeling that I might be able to positively impact someone… anyone. I want to be someone people are proud to know or associate with.
The man in the mirror smiles more than I recall. His eyes; approving, yet ever expecting…
… there’s still more. The well is deep and the man in the mirror won’t sleep.
I will never stop pushing my limits and I am grateful for the lessons.