Introduction: Beyond the Physical

The Chiggy Ultra 2024 took place in the stunning yet unforgiving terrain of Cape Chignecto Provincial Park. It was hosted by Wentworth Valley Trailrunners on October 5th, 2024. This would be my 3rd official event where I could earn a buckle, having run the Capes 100 and Divide 200.

Having experience to rely on is invaluable and I am very fortunate. As you will read below, this race in particular would test me well beyond physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Among Cape Chignecto’s steep cliffs, mud puddles and root-covered trails I found my next arena. The rugged majesty set the perfect stage for my next crucible of self-actualization. A continuing journey to see what I am capable of and to bring my own internal darkness to light.

Pre-Race: Preparing to go Beyond Running

The goal is to do these events in peak physical shape. This way, I can maximize my mental growth. I don’t have to worry too much about my body. My body has proven time and again that it can handle more than I ever knew. 100 Miles certainly was not new to me, but it wouldn’t be easy.

During training my main focus was to run many hours of hill repeats with long efforts. This was all done to simulate the mental grind. I peaked at 140km and 7,000m of elevation after a steady 3 weeks on 1 week off build cycle.

As ‘comfortable’ as I may be with the distance, the midnight start and the technical terrain certainly had my attention. Mentally exhausted from a busy week at work already, I had closed a large project the Friday of the event. Because of this, I found it difficult to preserve my mental energy before the Start. I was determined to not make that into an excuse.

Rest came difficult at our rented BnB as we made the 3 hour long drive up to the Chignecto area just hours before the event. We checked in and said hello to a few other runners. My crew chief fiancée and I took a little walk down the start of the trail to catch the majestic view of cloud topped cliffs and the sound of a rolling ocean below.

The ravens welcomed us from above and beyond. They’ve been expecting us.

Loop 1: Into the Darkness

The race started at midnight with Race Director John reading the trail runners creed, which as far as I know is an original piece of work by him. It’s become a trademark of Wentworth events and a moving tribute to the efforts given by all. The start was rather low key and I said farewell to my crew chief. 

Heading out into the midnight trail, my goal was to remain objective, take it one loop at a time and not get burdened with the enormity of the task at hand. At the same time to not get too caught up in the energy of the start and go out too fast. Do it the wayward way. My way.

I took several grounding breaths to settle into the night and what we are doing. “This is what we’re doing today,” I repeated my favourite mantra from training.

I ran periodically with some trail friends and had some chats along the way. Coming into the first aid station I was with a group, but they left before I was ready to go and I was alone setting out into the 3am trail.

It was then that the first negative voices came.

The Darkness Pushes Back

“You’re all alone,” they said. “What’s the point? You’re too slow. Who do you think you are, anyway? They don’t want to run with you.” 

I put music on to accompany my thoughts as I waded into the darkness. I found a bit of bounce in my step and I would end up passing a few runners doing 2 loops, and caught up to my trail friends again. The journey to daylight seemed to take forever and every step along the way looked eerily similar in the bleak darkness.

A perpetual trudge along a dark and rooty treadmill. With only the light of headlamps to guide us, we leap frogged through the dark trails. 

My focus was to be conservative and keep on top of my calories and water. My belly started to turn more than a few times – I’ve never had any real issues before, so I hoped it was nothing. As it turns out, a trip to one of the pit privies along the way was all I needed. I continued into the breaking day. 

As the loop came to an end, my thoughts turned to doing it all… over… again…

Loop 2: Battling the Demons

Setting out for loop 2 proved to be a challenge. I was highly emotional and over-tired. I tried to catch a few moments of rest during the break but the parking lot was a busy spot at mid-day. This loop is where the real mental games started. It began to rain slightly as I set out but only enough to dampen my spirits.

I started out and my legs started to weigh heavily, but the task at hand weighed heavily on my soul. I found it hard to maintain positive thoughts and a low heart rate. It felt like a panic attack as I climbed the first few kilometers into the loop. I called my crew chief a few times for reassuring words and, frankly, just to hear her voice. 

The demons of self-doubt, comparison, insecurity, and all the negative thoughts came at me at once. I expected them to come but maybe not so suddenly and all at the same time. A tired brain and a monumental effort still ahead of me, I forgot my mental strategies and got caught up in the enormity of it all.

This is What We Do Best

I trudged on. Conjuring up images of my family and of all the versions of myself that I was doing this for. “I’m safe. I’m loved. I can do this” would be repeated over and over as I cried at the worst of it to myself. I didn’t stop as the tears fell, rather I accepted them as the price of admission for my second loop. Onward and into that darkness of mind. This is what we are here for. I am in the golden zone.

The voices said I wasn’t going to make it. That my training was for nothing. That it was pointless or not even worth it because I knew I was in “last” of the 3 loopers. I should just give up. 

“Do the wayward way,” my future wife reminded me. “Run your race your way. You always find a way.” 

Right. 

The purpose is the darkness. Bring it to the light and observe it. Learn from it. Make peace with it. Run with it. 

I ended up passing more 2 loop runners and taking a nasty fall. I kicked a branch in a mud puddle, bruised my toe badly, and ended up on the ground but relatively unscathed. Lucky! Towards the end of the loop night was falling and it began to rain heavily. I was alone and moving well enough.

Loop 3: A New Dawn

The rain had ended before I got back to the finish. My stuff was wet and the air had a fall chill to it, and I cooled off rapidly. Rest was hard to come by in the parking lot with the chilly air and music from the start line.

I picked up my pacer Luc who is a good friend that I’ve run some pretty gnarly runs with. We ended up setting back out at midnight. Another midnight loop weighed on my mental state. I was cold and tired, but my pacer and I set out into the palatable darkness as I nursed a turkey burger made by my crew chief.

All the pain, mental haze, darkness, clouded vision culminated into an epic last loop. It’s as if all the negativity and fatigue from each of the 2 loops joined forces and came at me all at once. I was sleep walking at the time. The death march, as they call it, where your body keeps moving but your mind has tired beyond capacity.

“Holy ****!!!” I exclaimed as something bright flashed in my face. It scared me out of my sleepy stupor. 

A leaf fell directly in front of my face and reflected my headlamp back at me. The sudden  burst of light was enough to startle me. My pacer and I laughed and we both agreed it was his turn to lead the charge into the vast darkness as I nursed a Poptart I nibbled on sleepily.

Bringing the Darkness to Light

Thoughts of missing the cutoff times started to flood my brain and my mood turned sour. We couldn’t move very quickly as he was having some stomach issues and I was having sleep deprivation issues, but we still stopped to take in the night sky and all its glory.

How small we must appear to those sentinels of the night. The stars, ever watchful, shining their light for the world to see. Breaking the darkness like a headlamp in the distance. What a beautiful way to enjoy the night sky – out here with a good friend and in the caverns of pain and suffering.

Beautiful.

I started to realize that this was the whole point. The struggle, the hardship, the mental games, the voices coming and going.

The struggle wasn’t something to overcome or resist, but to embrace. It became more than just finishing, but the transformative journey on the way to the finish. I was so worried I wasn’t going to make the cutoffs but the race director and volunteers all assured me it was worth finishing. 3 loops of that trail is a challenging feat with not many people willing to finish let alone attempt.

I once again found a little bounce in my step as thoughts of finishing became a reality. Cutoff or not I was going to bring this one home with a smile on my face. I have a legacy to build.

The Song of the Raven

At day break, the ravens began following us. Watching us and leap-frogging each other to ensure we kept on our path. They sang songs and made remarks to each other, making noises that I’d never heard before. Reminding me that they were watching, filling me with the thoughts that my ancestors were watching also. This loop turned into a transcendent experience, facing the dark both literally and figuratively. 

Let those ravens take messages of our deeds here to the spirit world.

I’d wished now that I took the short sleeve shirt that my crew chief suggested before the loop even started. It got warm and sunny, a bright new start to a day and a fitting way to end the crucible of Cape Chignecto.

Reaction/Takeaways: Forged in Fire

This was a test that went far beyond physicality. This one took me beyond my mental, emotional and spiritual limits. This was the hardest mental challenge I’ve taken to date. The thought of giving up came to me for the first time in any of my Ultras and the negative voices were relentless and cruel. 

But the power to move forward isn’t in the body or even the mind. It lies within the heart and soul. A forge that burns so hot that it must be fed with dragonfire. A spirit unseen and unheard, yet evident in moments when I need it most. The power to move forward into the darkness and be the light. 

Just like the ravens emerged at dawn with their songs of omnipresence, clarity arrives when day breaks. A bright new sun shines upon the raw darkness you needed to carry throughout the night in order to arrive where you are. In such ways, we can bring our darkness to the light and use it for good.

To bloom like a flower when the sun calls upon us, because we’ve been watered in the dark.

Conclusion: Gratitude 

I will continue to pursue my own darkness and invite it to the table. Ultramarathons and these events allow me an avenue to do this. If left unchecked, my mental health suffers and addictive tendencies seem to emerge. Taking on these Ultra challenges lets me go 1 on 1 with myself and all that I am, so that I may make peace with it and be the best version of myself.

It isn’t just about reaching goals, but it’s embracing the journey it takes for you to get there. It’s about embracing the process, each step being a lesson and experience, and observing how you bloom along the way to your finish line. Making friends with the darkness as necessary contrast to the light.

Thank You

Thank you to my crew chief and future wife. I could not have done this without you. Knowing you were there waiting for me kept me moving so that I could see you again. To my pacer, Luc Doucet, thank you for the trail laughs and the distractions. We really should have brought short sleeve shirts. Thank you to all the volunteers and friends along the way that offered kind words and encouragement and also to John and Deb for hosting such an epic event. And thank you to the readers for reading my words. I hope there’s something to take away from this article.

Aftermath and What’s Next?

Recovery is going very well. Physically I found my body bounced right back with minor niggles and blisters clearing up quickly. Mentally, however, I needed more than a few days to get my head put back on straight. Where my mind had to go and the massive effort I pushed through, it was sleep deprivation and the psychological push that drained me the most. Nothing lots of sleep and self-love won’t fix!

As far as what’s next – welcoming our baby boy into the world will be our next adventure, with eyes set on the Fat Dog 120 in August 2025. Until then, however, I’ll enjoy a bit of unstructured running and allowing myself to adjust to the real world. Implementing all the lessons and experience I’ve gained so that I may continue to pursue the best version of myself for my family and friends.

I will keep showing up.